Eff My Life
by SquishyCool
Summary: A series of oneshots inspired by different FML stories from fmylife dot com. All characters, some ships. If you have any you'd like to see done, PM me! Second oneshot has been posted!
1. 20 Dollar Best Friend

**A/N: **This is a new little series I'm starting. If you've read fmylife dot com, then you'll know where these come from. If you haven't read it, I highly suggest you check it out, because it's hilarious. I choose certain stories that intrigue me and I write little oneshots to them (like this) as they would pertain to the iCarly characters. This is the first of who knows how many. I've already got 3 others planned out, and out of those, only one of them is actually shippy. None of these are connected, they're just random. And at the end of each one, I'll copy and paste the FML that it was inspired by.  
If you see any on the site that you think would make a good oneshot, PM me and we'll discuss it. I'm totally open to ideas! Other than that, just review and let me know what ya think.

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**$20 Best Friend**

Carly and Freddie were in the midst of an argument about - who else? - Sam. Freddie claimed it was completely uncalled for when Sam posted a blog under his name on iCarly _and_ SplashFace proclaiming he was "coming out of the closet." Carly argued that there was no real damage done and that probably no one had seen it, and it was able to be deleted, unlike the incident with the first kiss. Freddie, however, objected. This was the last straw. He had a hard enough time defending his sexuality and reputation as it was.

"Did you not see the comments our fans are already leaving?!" Freddie cried, outraged at Carly's indifference.

Carly shrugged, raising her voice only slightly. "Oh, people will forget, Freddie. Just delete the blogs - "

"I already did, and they're _still_ leaving comments."

"Okay, well, ignore it. Tell them you don't know what they're talking about and that they should stop before you take legal action or something," she finished.

"Ya know what, maybe I should just take legal action on SAM for once!" Freddie snapped back, not nearly as calm as his brunette counterpart.

"_WHAT?_ Don't be ridiculous, Freddie," Carly said, baffled by his suggestion. "What would you even get her for?"

Freddie pursed his lips defiantly before answering, having thought about this long and hard many times before, "Slander, harassment, and defamation of character. What she does, as far as she _takes_ it, Carly, is illegal, y'know. She knows it, too, she just doesn't care!"

Carly sighed, rolling her eyes only slightly in exasperation. "Freddie, now _you're_ taking it too far. She's your friend, and you know she can't get into any more legal trouble or they're likely to send her to juvie - "

"GOOD!" he interrupted. "Maybe she'll learn how to TREAT people in there!"

"It was just a prank! They're all pranks! You know how bored she gets, and you know the kind of sense of humor she has. Just let it go before this really gets out of hand. Really, Freddie," Carly was almost pleading with him now.

Freddie groaned, hating when she got that tone in her voice. "You're only defending her - you only _ever_ defend her - because she was your best friend first!"

He wasn't sure where that comment came from, but deep down, he knew it was true. So maybe that was why he'd said it. He was so tired of Sam getting away with so much around Carly just because they'd been BFF's since they were 8. He was just as much her friend now, and it wasn't fair. Carly went out of her way to defend Sam. But him? She defended him ONCE. There's no way that was right or how a friendship was supposed to be.

"No, I defend her because I _chose_ to be her best friend! I had no choice with you!"

Freddie reeled. Had... had that really just come from the brown-haired goddess's perfect mouth? Was she telling the truth? What did that claim even _mean_? Was she keeping something from him?

It seemed apparent that she hadn't meant to say it, because as soon as what she said hit the both of them and she saw his reaction, her eyes widened and her mouth quickly snapped shut, making her look like a fly had just flown down her throat. Freddie searched for meaning behind the words in her expression, but all he could interpret was the fact that it was never meant to be spoken aloud.

"Wh... what?" he managed to ask, still stunned by the words.

Carly shook her head. "I - no, Freddie. I didn't mean to say that. I mean, I-I didn't mean it at all. It was just a... I blurted it out and it was only because I'm so frustrated. That's it, I swear."

Freddie narrowed his eyes, making his suspicion clear to her.

"I'm sorry," she added quietly.

A sad attempt at taking such harsh words back.

"No. You _did_ mean it," he accused after finally finding his voice and a surprising amount of courage. "What do you _mean_ you 'didn't have a choice'?"

Carly once again shook her head, her face flushing. "Nothing, Freddie! Like I said, it was just one of those things you say when you get angry and-and I didn't mean it."

But if there was one thing Carly Shay was truly bad at, it was lying. And Freddie, of all people, could see right through her. Her flushed face, the way her cheeks were beginning to gain that light pink tint, the way she was subconsciously chewing on her bottom lip, the stammer and lack of confidence in her speech... and that searching look in her eyes and how they were darting all over Freddie's face nervously, searching his features for some clue as to what to say next to make him believe her.

"Carly..."

She finally shut her eyes and her shoulders slumped over in defeat. She let out the breath she had been holding and said, with a little more relief lacing the statement, "Oh, alright... I... Your mom p-paid me to be your... friend. When we were twelve and you first moved into the building."

Freddie gaped, the admittance of this surprising fact absolutely stunning him and cementing his feet to the floor, his eyes on Carly. Questions raced through his head, yet he knew it was the truth. He had no doubt in his mind that this was even slightly made up. Mainly because... well, he was Freddie Benson, and if anyone knew the true nature of Mrs. Marissa Benson, it was her only son.

Finally, he decided on a question to voice. "You _WHAT_?!"

Carly looked back at her tech producer with apologetic brown eyes. "Your mom paid me to be your friend when you first moved in. We were only twelve and I didn't even know you yet. I'd literally just met you and when you left the room, your mom handed me twenty bucks and made me promise to be your friend."

Freddie's eyes widened in shock, still gaping at his friend as she tried to explain in the most rational way possible. But how could a person absorb something like this? Sure, he believed his mom _would_ do it... he just couldn't believe she actually _did_. And-and that it actually WORKED!

"Please understand, though... She just seemed so desperate to see you make friends in Seattle, and I know she only did it out of love! She cares about you, Freddie, and she just wanted to do whatever she could to see you be happy," Carly continued, talking fast in an attempt to dull the words previously spoken by explaining herself as best as she could. "And I only took the money because she forced it on me. I was going to be your friend anyway! I didn't know what to say to her, I hardly knew her back then. And before I could give the money back or anything, you came back."

Freddie only stammered, "Tw-twenty bucks?!"

Carly nodded forlornly. "I didn't spend it, if that's what you're wondering... It's upstairs in the bottom of my sock drawer. I-I figured I could give it back to you someday. When I'd be able to explain..."

He shook his head, trying to clear all his muddled thoughts. "You're my _best friend_, Carly..."

"I know!" Carly cried, in absolute distress at his reaction to all of this. "And that's not going to change! We'd still be best friends if your mom paid me or not... I didn't mean that about choosing Sam and not choosing you. I _did_ choose you! I swear!"

But Freddie had nothing to say to this, really. What _could_ he say?

Besides, "_TWENTY BUCKS?!_"

**end.**

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**Inspired by:** "Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML."


	2. Phone Not So Foreplay

**A/N: **Here's the first request I've filled. The inspired FML and the requester are stated at the bottom. Hope you like it, and remember: if you have any requests to see an FML done, PM me so we can discuss it! I'm open to all pairings and characters.

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**Phone Not-So-Foreplay**

"Well, when are you gonna tell her?"

"Uh, when are _you_ gonna tell her? You're her best friend."

Sam sighed over the phone, feeling herself becoming frustrated. "You're her brother! You should be the one to tell her. We've been doing this for too long to be keeping her in the dark about it, Spence. Seriously."

Spencer groaned, rolling his eyes and subconsciously being thankful that Sam was on the phone and couldn't see the action. "Okay, well, I dunno. You're so demanding. Why can't we just tell her together?"

"'Cause it'd be too weird. I'd rather she heard it from you first, then she's less likely to think it was all _my_ doing," Sam countered.

"Whaddyou mean?" the older man asked.

"Uh, Carly already thinks I'm some sort of seductress who uses men for my own pleasure," the blonde explained, clutching her cell phone to her ear tighter. "So if she hears from you first that we're in a relationship, she's less likely to think I just seduced you because I was bored… or something."

Spencer furrowed his brow to himself, surprised to hear that this was what his little sister thought of her best friend. "Oh… Well, what makes you think she's gonna think any differently hearing it from me and not you?"

Sam groaned into the phone, trying to show Spencer just how frustrated she was getting with him. "Why can't you just do it already and stop being a big pansy?!"

Spencer huffed. "_I'm_ the pansy? She's _your_ best friend! You're the wuss for not telling her by now!"

"Fine," Sam said through gritted teeth, unable to tolerate being called a wuss by her own boyfriend. "Ya know what? Fuck you."

And with that, she brought the phone away from her ear and pressed the END button, then chucked it at her bed, watching it bounce a few times before coming to a rest. She had to admit, that wasn't really called for… but he just made her so angry sometimes! He refused to tell Carly about their relationship, even after over 6 months of being together, and now was the best time to do it. She was home from college for Christmas break, and this was the chance he could take to sit her down and explain that… well… he was dating her best friend.

Back at the Shay loft, Spencer brought his own cell phone away from his ear and looked at it, seeing that the call had ended and that Sam had, in fact, hung up on him. That was okay, he was used to her fits of anger by now. He understood that she was frustrated, but still… she was being unreasonable. This was his little sister they were talking about. It would be about a thousand times less awkward if Sam just told her about their relationship than if he did. They were best friends, after all. Isn't that what best friends did: tell each other everything? There was no way Sam could keep a secret from Carly for much longer anyway. She never had in the past, so what was so different about now?

Sighing in defeat, the eldest Shay tossed his phone to his bed, letting it land with a soft _plop_. He then exited his bedroom just in time to see Carly coming down the stairs, her hair wrapped in a towel.

"Hey, Carls, I'm gonna run to the store for a few things," he told her. "Will you be okay by yourself for a little bit?"

Carly stopped at the bottom of the stairs and smiled at him, nodding. "Yeah, sure."

Spencer nodded back then walked to the coat rack and picked up his jacket, slipping it on. "'Kay, see ya in a bit."

He then left, leaving his cell phone behind and his little, college-aged sister alone in the Shay loft.

Back at her own house, Sam was sitting on the edge of her bed, still calming herself down. She wasn't fuming anymore, but she was feeling a little bad for the way she'd talked to Spencer. Sure, she did it all the time, and he never chastised her for it because he understood her temperament, but that didn't keep her from feeling bad afterwards. He was being a big wuss about this, but who could blame him? Honestly, what big brother would ever want to tell his little sister that he was in a relationship with her best friend?

Sam sighed, glancing over at her phone and debating calling him back to apologize… even though apologizing wasn't really her thing.

She stared down at her hands thoughtfully, picking at her nails a bit as she decided on what to do. She knew that he knew she wasn't _really_ mad at him, just frustrated, but still… he didn't deserve the "fuck you" she'd thrown his way.

Suddenly smirking to herself, a thought occurred to the blonde Puckett. She knew the perfect way to apologize to Spencer Shay…

Carly was setting out bread, lunchmeat, and cheese to make a sandwich for herself to tide her over until dinner when a faint sound drifted to her ears. She stopped what she was doing and looked up curiously, glancing around the apartment to try to discover the source of the noise. It sounded like a ringtone…

Of course – Spencer's ringtone.

She was used to her big brother leaving his cell phone behind or just plain forgetting it, so it only took her a few seconds to realize what the sound was and where it was coming from. She set down the sandwich makings and jogged across the living room to the door of Spencer's bedroom. She peeked inside and spotted the phone lying face-down on the bed, lighting up and emitting the incredibly annoying ringtone. She wasn't sure who it could be, but thinking it might be someone important, she rushed over to it and picked it up.

The front screen of the flip phone was cracked, so the name being displayed was unclear. All Carly could make out was an S – this could be anyone! Socko, or Seattle Art Department, or who knows what else.

Since it had been ringing for a good 30 seconds or so by now, Carly quickly flipped it open to save it from going to voicemail and put it to her ear. However, she soon realized that the towel wrapped around her head was proving to be a problem, as it was covering her ears as well. She held the phone away for a moment as she yanked the towel off her head, then put the cell phone to her ear. But before she could say anything, she heard a very familiar female voice.

When the ringing on the other end of Sam's phone finally stopped, she waited for Spencer's cheery greeting of "Y'ello?" She didn't hear it, though, and automatically assumed he wasn't saying anything because he was waiting for her to apologize first. He did that a lot when they had fights like this. So instead, she decided to surprise him with her method of apologizing.

In her most seductive and alluring voice, she spoke into the phone, "I want you to come over here right now and tie me up – show me how well you and the Spencer Snake can take control. You can blindfold me… and bring some of that chocolate syrup and pour it _all over me_… then lick it off… _every_… _last_… _drop_…"

Standing frozen in Spencer's room, Carly's eyes had gone wide. She held the phone to her ear, unsure of what exactly she'd just heard, but knowing exactly who it had come from. When she finally found use of her muscles again, she brought the flip phone away to look at the screen and see that, yes, it was indeed Sam on the other end.

After a good minute of silence – Carly being unable to speak, and Sam waiting for a reply in anticipation on the other end – the brunette finally found the ability to use her voice again. She stated her shock in high-pitched words.

"_SAM?!_ Is that _you_?"

On the other end, Sam froze. She silently cursed herself, guessing what had happened… Carly had answered Spencer's phone, _not_ Spencer.

This was bad. This was very, very bad.

"Uh… Uh, Carly?"

Carly looked baffled standing in her big brother's room, suddenly feeling very disgusted and very dirty, despite having just had a shower. She knew there could be only one explanation as to why Sam was saying something like that when she thought she was calling Spencer.

Stammering and searching for an excuse, Sam quickly said, "I, uh… Sorry, wrong number!"

But before she could hang up, Carly snapped back, "Oh, no you don't! Don't you _DARE_ hang up on me, Samantha Puckett!"

_Shit,_ Sam thought to herself, closing her eyes and biting her lip as she pulled the phone back up to her ear from preparing to end the call.

"How about you explain why you were saying… _things_ like that… after calling my brother's number?!" Carly cried, absolutely distressed now.

Sam gulped, feeling the tension becoming increasingly thick, even over the phone. "I… Uh, I… Y-you should probably ask him. I gotta go. Later, Carls!"

And then the sound of silence as Sam hung up and Carly remained mortified… still wondering if Sam had _really_ said the name of – _God forbid_ – her brother's _penis_ aloud.

**end.

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**Inspired by: "**Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML."

**By request of: **Basco57


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